Modern-Day Outlaw

Coworker Chad (a part-time criminal/ full-time redneck in his own right), has somehow survived a vividly violent life, emerging from his fairly intense life experiences with a few scars, a bit of refreshingly-endearing wisdom, and a bunch of insane tales to tell. Seated on buckets in front of the roaring control panel of the pressure tank at work, Chad talks candidly about Gunshot Wounds, High-Speed Chases, Prison Entrepreneurship and Fatherhood - a modern-day outlaw looking to make right.

So let me guess, you love guns. 

Oh, shit yeah. I got two shotguns and a 9mm. The nine is especially fun for shootin' gophers on the farm. Just, 'hey squirrel!' pop pop. 

Anything ever get out of hand?

This one time I was partying in someone's backyard and I let a buddy have a look at my six-shooter. I was in the middle of pouring a drink for this chick I was wheelin' and I had my arm out holdin' the vodka bottle and all of a sudden I got this sting in my forearm, like I'd been burnt. Like someone had put a smoke out on me. I'm wearing a hoodie and I look down at my sleeve to see its all wet. So I put the bottle down and give my arm a good shake and, splash, I spray blood all over the chick. She starts freaking out and I pull my sleeve up for a look and sure enough, my arm is completely soaked in blood. The bullet just clipped me. It went right out the other side, see? (Shows me two crater scars on his forearm). Funny thing was, the rap song that was playing had gunshots in it and I didn't even realize my gun had actually gone off. 

Wow. So what'd you do?

Well, first I backhanded my buddy into the fence and laid a good beatin' on him. Then I used my good arm to smash the gun with a sledgehammer. That shit's dangerous! Yeah that's how I learned you shouldn't let your idiot buddies play with your guns. 

Sounds like a fairly safe rule of thumb. What other war wounds you got?

My sister and I were arguing over the remote, again, and this time she comes into the kitchen with a jerrycan and just starts dousing me in gasoline. Here I am, fryin' eggs, and she's screamin' at me, callin' me a goof, and I'm gettin' soaked. So I grab her wrist, real fuckin' tight, and try to shake the jerrycan loose. Well I just get even more covered in gas. Then she goes all calm-like. And she pulls a lighter out of her pocket. Puts it up against me. And sparks it. 

Holy smokes!

Man, I lit up like a barbecue. Totally on fire I ran out the kitchen door, flames all flyin' off me, and dove right into a snowbank. Second and third degree burns all up my side here. 

Do I even want to know what happened after that?

Well an ambulance took me to the hospital and the police questioned me. I told 'em I didn't wanna press charges but I guess they're going ahead with it, due to her past convictions. So yeah, right now she's looking at 8-10 for aggravated assault causing bodily harm. 

Dude, those are some full-on life moments!

(laughs) Oh, hell yeah. Rarely a dull moment. I also got two paddle burns on my chest from paramedics trying to resuscitate me. 

Please tell me more, you crazy bastard. 

I used to party pretty hard. I was in love with cocaine but, man, she didn't love me back. The last time I ever touched that shit was when I OD'd. I just remember waking up in the hospital with all these wires and shit sticking out of me and I panicked. I look down and I got two big burns on my chest from the shock pads. So I start yankin' out the tubes and unplugged myself. I didn't wanna stick around to talk to no cops neither, so I zipped up my hoodie and booked it. 

That is intense. How'd your recovery go?

My heart's all fucked up now. I was told it stopped beating for a bit when I OD'd. So I pretty much died. I'm getting a heart monitor in a couple days here because of an irregular rhythm or some shit. It's pretty scary actually. I got a son on the way so I just wanna stay healthy and be around for him, you know?

Oh, congratulations! That's gotta be pretty exciting. You just make sure you be the best dad you can be, you know?

Oh for sure. My old man was pretty shitty, always kickin' my ass for something and making me feel like shit. Course most'a the time I probably deserved it! (laughs) But not all the time... And he was never around. He was in jail for a bunch of years when I was growing up. 

Well it's on you now to break the cycle. Learn from your dad's mistakes. 

That is the plan! Eat lots of vitamins and be a good dad. As soon as I get my license back I'm getting a better job, driving trucks. 

How'd you lose your license?

DUI. Among other things. A few years back I ran from the cops, got into a full-on high speed chase. I'll tell ya, they sure didn't like that! (laughs)

No way. Do elaborate. 

So we left this party and I was the least messed up one of us so I get behind the wheel of this guy's truck. He's riding shotgun and we got four chicks in the backseat. Well next thing we know there's cherries in the rear view so I pull over and the guy tells me, 'Uh, ya, this truck is stolen.' So I backhand him a good one and think, shit, what do I do? I hit the gas. Then hit the breaks. I'm running through every possible scenario in my head. But I've lost the cops twice before and I figure I can do it again so I say, fuck it, and I just light those tires up and peel off.  

Wow. This is in Grande Prairie?

Yeah man, just west of downtown. Now I used to drive a tow truck so I know these roads. I'm going 100 through the residentials, just fish-tailin around corners and this cop is stuck right on my ass. I bomb down an alley and there's another cop waiting for me. My plan is to hightail it out of GP to Grovedale, where I grew up and can lose 'em on the back roads no problem. 

That's the trick hey?

Yup, 4-X'n down sled trails where cop-cars can't go. But here they kept poppin up just as I was about get outta the city and I'd have to turn around and find a new way. I cut through a park and tried to make it up a big berm but the truck went straight vertical. Out the window I just saw tree tops, then stars, then she came right back down: Bang! Fucked the rear axle. And all of a sudden there's a gun at my window and this cop is there yelling at me to get out of the vehicle. So I just fuckin throw'er into reverse and hit the gas. I peeled out in the gravel and just sprayed the cop car, right spiderwebbed his windshield.  

So you called his bluff then. 

Yeah he wasn't gonna shoot, not with all the people in the truck anyway. So I make another run for the country and this time there's a big-ass roadblock up ahead. Just, cop-car, cop-car, cop-car, cop-dogs cop-truck, cop-dogs, cop-car. So I swerve through 'em and catch a spiked strip that wraps right around the front right tire and shoots off back over the box. The girls in the back are high on E and seriously tripping out and I'm struggling with all I got to keep 'er on the road. 

Charging on adrenaline I'd imagine!

Yeah I had some crazy focus that night. I was drunk when I started but I'd swear I was stone sober during the chase. Eventually I ran the truck into a field, jumped out and tried to beat it on foot. In about a minute I was surrounded by screaming cops so I just put my hands behind my head and laid down in the grass. 

They must have been pissed! 

Oh, man. They kicked the shit out of me. Just bootin' me and pistol whipping and eventually I start yelling, 'Police brutality!' over and over. And I remember this lady cop standing back watching with her jaw dropped. And lots of dogs barking in the flashing lights. 

That is one of the craziest stories I've ever heard!

Yeah it was pretty wild. I had the entire police force after me. 36 squad cars chasin' me around for a solid 45 minutes. They wanted to lock me up for 10-12 years, with 28 charges but my lawyer knocked it down to 2 years with 3 charges. 

So you went to prison?

Yeah, I did two years at Saskatoon. 

Man... What was that experience like?

It was pretty brutal at first. I was fighting nearly every day for six months. But I'm half Native so I was in with them and it was alright. I'm claustrophobic though, eh, I get anxiety attacks sometimes. 

Ah, man. That must have added to the stress level. 

Yeah that and the whole 'no smoking' policy. But we got three hours a day in the  yard to work out and run around, blow off some steam. And I had my own room with a TV and a Nintendo 64 with some racing games. Plus I had a pretty good gig building and selling tattoo guns from scratch.

Yeah right! How exactly does one build a tattoo gun from scratch?

All you need is a Bic pen for the tube and ink, a wire for the needle, a toothbrush to connect the needle to an electric motor you pull from an old Walkman or a portable fan, and some tape to hold the shit together. Then you're good to go. 

Sounds like you're a fairly resourceful cat. 

I definitely make do. It's all about keeping a positive attitude - and making friends with the right people doesn't hurt. But I'll tell ya, after I got out, my old man had a newfound respect for me. He hasn't raised a hand since. We got something in common now and we're a lot closer because of it. 

Wow. Just, wow. Stay in school, kids.